Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Don't let your divorce cause you to lose hope...

When it comes to divorce it certainly seems to. The hurt and pain that is often experienced during a divorce can only be compared to the actual life loss of a spouse. In many cases it can be even more harmful because the person typically inflicting the pain is still alive, and is consciously making these choices.

Imagine sitting down for dinner one night and hearing the words, "I just don't love you anymore. I want a divorce." Follow that with divorce hearings, arguing over whose is what, and even possibly dealing with your ex-spouse finding a new love. It's enough to make you want to throw in the towel, and resign to the fact that fairy-tale love doesn't exist. But, why let your partner's misguided heart turn yours into a cold rock?

While the heartbreak and gut-wrenching sorrow is very real, there needs to be an understanding that it's only temporary. For whatever reason this love match has ended, it certainly doesn't mean you should give up on the hope of a real happily ever after. In fact, that very thought of a better love life existing could be the catalyst to help you through this transitional period.

So, when your heart is able to bear looking over the concept of moving on, heed the following words of wisdom regarding finding a permanent life mate. When you start looking, try to find someone who can meet as many of the following criteria as possible:

More Common Interests:Daily interest in each other easily dwindles in a busy or less than happy marriage. Help combat this lack of attention by finding someone who shares an interest in your favorite things. Couples that share hobbies or other lifestyle interests do have a higher long-term success rate because they have a way to automatically spend time together or something to communicate about.

Same Communication Style:Most marriages fail due to lack of communication. It doesn't always mean that one person didn't know how to communicate, but rather you had different ways of communicating. Make sure this time around you find someone who shares your methods of communicating. Talk about the ways you would handle problems or things bothering you. Are you both willing to find middle ground amidst a disagreement?

Lack of Neediness On Both Sides:Do not become dependent on this new person, and don't let them become dependent on you. At this stage in your life, you need someone who can stand on their own in the world. And frankly, you need the self-esteem that comes with being able to do it yourself as well. Knowing you can make it on your own will help carry you through the ups and downs of finding love again.

Genuine Interest In Developing A Serious Relationship:Don't bother with a relationship when the other person isn't interested in following through. You've already given your all to one person; don't waste any more on another possible dead end. The next person you find should be at the same relationship stage you are; interested in developing the same type of relationship.

Fulfilling Partnership:What aspects of your life does this person fulfill for you? What do you fulfill for them? Each partner needs to be meeting the needs of each other for an equal and balanced relationship. Do you both share enough give AND take?

Mutual Respect:In most failed marriages, the last years are usually the worst. Your ego is probably suffering from heartless words or actions hurled at each other. It is important at this time to be in a relationship that makes you feel needed, wanted and desired. Anything less, is quite frankly, settling. The same should apply to the way you feel about your potential partner.

Similar Life Goals:At this stage of the game it makes life a lot simpler to be with someone who shares the same life goals as yourself. The most fulfilling relationship for you at this time will be with someone who makes you feel like you're part of a team working towards goals together. Make the time to talk about this person's dreams and desires, and don't hesitate to share your own.

Remember, not all relationships end up in failure. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

For me divorcee teach me a lot...

Lords of Love

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