Friday, January 30, 2009

The Final Straw

I quote.

“When a woman who has spent the good part of loving a man blindly begins to see again, her vision is as sharp as a knife. When a woman who has been deaf to anything else but a man's apparent love for her starts to hear again, she can pick up white noise a continent away.

When a woman stops loving a man, she keeps quiet. She stops fighting back. She doesn't nag. She doesn't even try to persuade you after a first attempt” (from a lady who has great influence in my life)

I never knew that this would have such a profound meaning in my life.
I never knew that it would weave into the history of my life.
And I never knew that 'this' would hurt so much.
Well it’s time you know the truth.
I have a tendency of misjudging characters. Always, the ones that im most attracted to; like bees are to honey are the bad boys look. You know, that 50% good and 50% wicked persona appeals to me. Even when my mommy warned me of such men, that leopards never change their spots, I brushed her advice instantly.
I guess forlornly, it is rather exotic to know if you could spin these men around your little finger, to have that upper hand in turning them around.
I believe that there is hope.
And with this hope that I allow my heart to love him intensely. Never have I felt so sure about this. Of course, it has never been easy; there were the good times, the bad times and the hard times. And most of the times, I would wallow in tears.
Even with all those, I thought things would be fine. Against my intuition, I believe that he would provide me the safety and comfort, my heart would not be broken and ABOVE all, that he would remain making me happy.
Last few weeks we had a relationship crisis. This happens after 2 months of a long-distance relationship due to his job assignment which at the beginning of it all told me that something is bound to happen.
Last week, after the request to talk things over, something hit me hard in my head and open my eyes over the conversation that we had:
Him: “We have different goals. I want to be a somebody, I want to be a POLITICIAN and you don’t agree with that”
Me:” Oh ok, then I’ll just support you with whatever you want to do” (Yeah right, think again, Izzatis!)
Him: “No, you don’t want that”
What I was really thinking in my mind: “I too want to be a SOMEBODY. It’s just that I have the decency not to crush other people’s dream along the way. So selfish of you. The world is so corrupt now with all the blood-sucking Politicians, why do you want to add to the destruction. Haven’t you heard, CORPORATE LEADERS is the in thing now? They can be so successful yet still remain their dignity. Sorry, but I have the lowest opinion towards politicians.” (This, in retrospect was smart of me.). Oh wait, I’ve seen this in movies, where men requests such acts from their partners. So dramalike. So surreal.
I am only human. The inevitable happened. At the back of my mind, I keep saying that this bump in the relationship would pass by. I was in denial. Believing again, that he would change. .
Not once, did he compromise on this. Not once he called to say “Can we give it another try?”
It finally hit me hard on the head again, that he was never committed in the relationship in the first place. Maybe, this guy was just taking me for a ride. Maybe, after all that we’ve gone through, I didn’t matter that much to him, not even an ounce.
Life is what you make of it.

I guess this is the final straw. If you love someone, you would make them understand. If you love someone, you would compromise.

Perhaps, one day, I will find the courage to face him again. But I’ve never regretted whatever that we’ve gone through because at least I know; I have done my BEST in this relationship. And if my best isn’t good enough, that’s his loss.

I would be in denial,if I said this is easy. I would be lying, if I said I didn’t go through the sleepless nights, the empty feeling and the need to constantly tell myself to pick up the pieces and to bounce back to life.
I am glad though, that it happens now then later. It will serve as life’s lessons. I know I am capable to waddle through life much stronger now. And it makes me appreciate life more with my family and friends and their endless support.

You have taught me a valuable lesson. And I quote my friend’s saying “ If he is not worth your time now, he will never be worth it in the future”.

But I hope, things will turn out well for you. All I ask from you is honesty, as it is the best policy. At the end of the day, though you might not get all that you desired, you’ll still have your integrity intact and self-worth. Just be true to yourself. Learn how to, even if you find it hard to do so.
And I don’t miss you; I just miss the person I thought you were.
I don’t hate you; I just hate your GUTS.
And nope, I don’t have a sinister plan to overcome this hurt, anger and grief but I do have faith in this saying by none other than the famous entertainer, Mr. Charlie Chaplin:
“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world—not even our troubles."
And moreover, a beautiful poem written by an anonymous:
“Kadang-Kadang Allah sembunyikan matahari,
Dia datangkan petir & kilat,
Kita menangis & tertanya-tanya,
Ke mana hilangnya sinar,
Rupa-rupanya Allah nak hadiahkan kita pelangi.”

I think, ahem, with my new found single status, I’ll be seeing life in technicolor in no time! Should I stay unmarried and have lots of boyfriends? Break Hearts?

Nope, I don’t think so.
Cheers to that and to y new founmd freedom! Hurrah!

p/s~`actually i wrote this few months this place...nice view...Pangkor Island Resort...

View of Pangkor!!!

Pangkor~I wuz here, 181208
Thanks to **E**

No comments:

Post a Comment